Funny T-shirts of the Redneck Diplomat

I was faced with a problem that seems to confront most women every couple of weeks, but only bothers most men about once every five to ten years.

I needed to buy clothes.

Men buy clothing using a much different formula than women use.  I refer to this as the replacement method.  One of my pairs of blue jeans is worn out, so I need another pair of jeans.  I will then discard one set of jeans, and rotate the next best one out of the “this is my nice pair of jeans” position, and then MAYBE I will discard the worst of the bunch.

The replacement method is also used for dress shirts, shoes, and basically anything that men wear.  Today I was going to use it to replace a very special section of my wardrobe, something that allows me to express myself in a way that only clothing can.

I speak, of course, of T-shirts – the kind that say something…witty.  It’s a delicate balance between childish and trashy, but they have to fit the mood just right.

I was trading in Sponge Bob, a tourist shirt from Cape Cod, and a Father’s Day present from 2002 that said “Control Freak.”  Sponge Bob just seemed a little too much given that I no longer have small children, I’ve never been to Cape Cod, and there is no defense for the third, but they were full of holes, stains, and thin spots.  It was time to express myself anew, something more appropriate to my age and station.

Of course, I journeyed to that great Mecca where people go to find the perfect fashion expressions of personality.  I speak, of course, of Wal-Mart.  I immediately found something suitable. 

After picking up a red shirt with a giant “Angry Birds” logo, I decided it was time to stop playing around and get serious, so I paid up, and headed to the old standby store, the place that used to make us point and giggle as kids, since I’m not even sure we were allowed in until we were old enough to vote. Thank goodness, 30 years later, the store is still there – Spencer’s.  

As I sorted through shirts looking for those not displaying obscenities or body parts, I was lucky enough to find one, just one, of the must haves.  I had never seen anything like it, printed on both sides of the fabric.

So you see, friends, I couldn’t NOT buy this.  I find it also hilarious to show it off to my daughters’ friends.  I will in fact display its special feature to anyone who reads it, and doesn’t quite get it.

Here’s to ten more years.