Man-Cooking

            In the title, I do not refer to the concept of cooking a man, but the art of cooking as performed by men.

            It is a well known fact that men don’t cook well, yet the best cooks in the world are men.  Explain that.  Cooking isn’t always considered manly, but I will give you some of my thoughts on it.  There are basically two principles of man-cooking to which you must adhere:

            1.  You don’t measure stuff.  Quantities like “pinch,” “some,” and “enough” are perfectly acceptable in man recipes.  Measuring things creates additional items to wash, and unless your lady-friend does your dishes, you don’t want to.  It’s an assault on your manhood.  The real reason for rule #1 is that it makes you appear to have more skills in the kitchen than you actually do.  This is important for impressing lady-friends.

            2.  Ingredients are simply suggestions.  This is a matter of practicality, because you might not be in possession of the items called for.  You must be reasonable, however, and understand that you can’t substitute Crisco for cheddar cheese.

            Here is an example of a man-recipe that I make occasionally.  It doesn’t have a name, because it doesn’t matter what it’s called.  You are going to basically take a thin steak and put some stuff in the middle of it, and roll it up inside, and cook the whole thing in the skillet in some sauce I’ll tell you how to make.  It’s easy, or it wouldn’t be man-cooking.  And cooking stuff in the skillet is only slightly less manly than grilling outside.

            Start out with steak.  Because steak is manly.  It shouldn’t be super-thick, but it isn’t that pansy stuff you make sandwiches out of, either, you won’t impress anyone with that - it’s real bloody red beef.  Maybe about 3/8 inch thick.  Guess.  You can’t measure without violating rule #1.  Sprinkle on some black pepper and garlic powder if you want.  You need to be careful with garlic, because even though it tastes great, your lips won’t taste great to your lady-friend later, and that’s the purpose of all this anyway.  Men didn't learn to cook to keep from starving, they learned because chicks dig it.

            Cheese – mozzarella works best, but any kind of white cheese will do.  You could use yellow cheese I guess, or even that Velveeta stuff that looks like cheese but is made in China.  Cut a couple of pieces the size of your little finger, then cut those pieces into thin strips.  Do this for each piece of meat.

            Other stuff – by this I mean I like to use red bell pepper, carrots, or asparagus.  Slice the whatever it is into long thin strips and put a little of each of these in there, too, and roll the whole thing up tight and spear it with toothpicks so it don’t come apart.  You can substitute other things if you have them, like maybe spinach leaves or a piece of tomato, but don't go crazy, since the idea is to add a little color, because your lady-friend will like that.  The real reason is that you are also creating the illusion of a third food group in this dish.

            Put something in your skillet to grease it up, just enough to keep it from sticking.  Whatever kind of oil you have will work.  I mean of course oil for cooking, not oil for the pickup truck.  Maybe you have more sense than that, but I need to cover myself for liability purposes.

            Put in some ketchup, about twice what it would take to do a large order of fries.  Yes, I said ketchup.  Shut up, it’s manly, and I bet you’ve got some.  If anyone asks, it’s “tomato sauce.”

            Next put in a little red wine, but don’t overdo it.  You can use the stuff the homeless people drink if you want to, but it needs to be red wine.  Beer won’t work.  Trust me on this fact.

            Throw in a (that's ONE) sprig of fresh thyme.  It’s more manly if you grew it yourself.  You could also use oregano I think.  If you have to go for the jar stuff, go a little heavier on it.  Garlic would work, too, but see the previous warning above about too much garlic when you are cooking for your lady-friend.

            Turn the heat on medium-ish and stir up the sauce.  Put your steak roll-ups (Hey!  There’s a name!) in there and COVER.  Apparently red wine and ketchup make some kind of thermonuclear reaction when heated, and it will mess up your stove big time.  It’s okay if the sauce boils a little while the steak is cooking.  If it looks like it’s going to boil dry, then put in a little more wine.  That can’t hurt anything.  You'll have to turn them over so they are done on all sides, but cook them until they're done enough.

            When you are ready to put it on a plate, pour a little bit of the extra sauce on top and serve it up with a baked potato on the side.  If you don’t know how to make one of those, then learn before you try the above recipe.

            There you have a man meal, in probably less than 20 minutes if you don’t have to run to the store first.  There is a warning that goes along with this, though:

            This is a man-recipe.  Most women can’t understand man recipes, and if she does, she's a keeper.  Maybe if you’ve got one that’s willing to try, you’ll be tempted to give her the recipe.  If you do, you should be prepared for her to ask you, “How much wine should I use?” in which case, don’t just tell her, “Enough,” because that won’t stop the line of questioning.  Make something up.  A quarter cup, a half cup, something around there.  And remember it’s tomato sauce, not ketchup – she’ll freak out if she thinks there’s ketchup in it, especially if she's already eaten it once.

            Good luck.